Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
