lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Couch. On fire.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
