you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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