Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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