he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
