I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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