if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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