oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
MIDGETS
????
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
