I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
