Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
