Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
