you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
