fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Randomize
