I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
