An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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