Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
