God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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