Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
