woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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