He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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