I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
