Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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