you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
