you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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