In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
