I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
