I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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