You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
