He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
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She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
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This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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