Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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