You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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