What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
