I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
