i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
