I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
