Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
