yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
