Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We need a shit load of segways right now
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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