See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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