Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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