you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
