would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
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Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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