I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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