I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have fence marks all over my body
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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