Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
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I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
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He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
These tits shall not be calmed
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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