i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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