I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
