I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
