I wish I could teleport
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
