im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
