i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
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I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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