the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
