She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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