Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
