My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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