i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
