I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
