Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
